Remains of the Day

After suffering from a serious case of blogger's block, I return with the first post of August 2010 in the form of a tech-inspired, late-night opine. Check the next paragraph and you'll find out why I'm feeling so inspired tonight. JUST THE FACTS...OH, WAIT... Ah, Microsoft. They're ever so complacent with their 95% share of the computer market -- because, ya know, 90-freakin'-percent market share must be good, right? Right. Maybe they should hire some better R&D folks up there in Redmond before spewing utter nonsense. Ya see, the company today put up a new page on their website detailing the advantages of switching from the Mac to Windows. Problem is...well, yeah, they failed Fact-Checking 101. Let's review some of the highlights:

Apple's productivity suite file formats won't open in Microsoft Office on PCs. This can be a real hassle for Mac users sharing work documents with PC users.

Strike one. I guess Little Jimmy neglected to find out that in the real world, iWork documents do, in fact, play nice with their Office counterparts. Pages, Keynote, and Numbers all have the ability to save in .doc, .ppt, and .xls, respectively. Jimmy would've known that had be bothered to look up this page.

Things just don't work the same way on Macs if you're used to a PC. For example, the mouse works differently. And many of the shortcuts you're familiar with don't work the same way on a Mac.

Strike two. Macs have right-click functionality and the Command key is basically the Windows key. And the mouse? Yes, it works differently -- because it's better designed than anything Bill Gates ever dreamed up.

Macs only come in white or silver. PCs are available in a full spectrum of colors across a range of price points.

Strike three, yer out. Poor Jimmy fails to realize that white and that silver actually comes from sturdy, precision-engineered polycarbonate and aluminum unibody enclosures. Your mileage may vary, but I'm willing to pay a higher price for a computer that's better looking and better made with better materials than a computer that doesn't have the industrial design, is thicker than thick, and made of cheap plastic.

Steve Ballmer was said to have his head stuck up his I/O port while overseeing this project.

LIVE FROM APPLE'S HEADQUARTERS: MARK'S ROLLING HEAD!

News broke over the weekend that Apple's (former) SVP of iPhone & iPod Operations Mark Papermaster is no longer with the company. While Apple hasn't disclosed if Papermaster left on his own volition or was asked to leave, rumor has it that the former exec lost the confidence of Christ Steve Jobs and wasn't able to adapt to the corporate culture within Apple. I'm just grasping at straws here, but I'm willing to bet the iPhone 4's antenna issue and the fact that the white model of the handset is still unavailable didn't help his cause much either.

No word yet on whether Steve kicked Mark's head down the driveway on the way out.

VIRGINS AND PERIODS AND THE INTERNET, OH MY!

There's some (more) crazy shit on the Web. I feel blessed to live in such an enlightened age.

Through my daily scouring of every reputable tech site I can think of, I've found out that there is a new dating website for virgins and non-virgins whom wish to remain celibate until marriage. Turns out that the virgins site has 50 -- yes, 5-0 -- active users. 50 people that freely admit their purity. Or, if you're a glass half-empty kind of fellow, a bazillion other people who'd rather shovel shit on a rainy day than confess such a dark secret.

And riding Apple's "there's an app for that" catchphrase, I've also discovered that there is an app for iOS devices that tell men when their girlfriend/wife is starting and ending their period. You can even set calendar events to remind you. There really are apps for everything. This one is almost as useful as the one that tells you which parts of the movie suck so you can go pee guilt-free.

....

My conscience is clear. It's now 1:13am and I'm tired. Good night.