As much of a thrill as I get some listening to Eminem channel his inner serial killer, the truth is there's not a violent bone in my body. Sure, I might fantasize about going ape shit on a few people -- more on that later -- but, as I say, I'm not a fighter. But sometimes people get so fucking crazy they deserve to be smacked or kicked hard. Take these guys for instance... Phil Jensen. He's the Republican senator from South Dakota who wrote the bill proposing that killing doctors who perform abortions be considered "justifiable homicide". Because, ya know, it makes total sense to kill the doctor of the woman who wants the pregnancy aborted. Never mind the fact that women should always have the right to decide whether or not to keep THEIR CHILD. Should this legislation end up being signed into law, my faith in the human race will forever be destroyed on the grounds that most people truly are closer to their Neanderthal ancestry than they think. Google, HP, RIM, and Microsoft. Forget for a second that Apple has amassed enough of a war chest to support about a billion third-world countries. Wait -- that's pretty amazing, right? Sure it is, until you consider that Cupertino won Best Mobile Device (for iPhone 4) at a trade show they're not even attending! That sound you hear is the collective groans of the other guys after getting kicked really, really, really hard in the balls. Zing! Randall Stephenson. Jeez, bad things happening at Mobile World Congress. Must be something in Barcelona's water or something. Anyway, AT&T's chief executive had some unflattering remarks about Apple's App Store policies. Which, as the article points out, is bizarre considering his customers benefited from the "walled garden" approach for, ya know, almost four years. In any case, Randy might not want to shoot his mouth off too much, otherwise Steve Jobs might give him his just desserts. Dun-dun-dun! Apple. Not too many people are very happy with Apple's new iOS subscriptions plan. Judging by this tweet from Instapaper developer Marco Arment, he'd like to slap somebody at Apple for this bright idea. Scott Forstall. Apple's VP of iOS Software. It's his fault the notification system sucks major dick. Me hatey. America's Health Care System. You know America's in trouble when Justin Bieber of all people is the voice of reason. You see, being Canadian, Justin thinks Americans are "evil". Because of this, he's now one of my heroes and I'm no longer ashamed to liking songs of his. Who knew a 16-year-old could be so profound? San Francisco 49ers Management. Especially after news like this. The Cleveland Cavaliers and Washington Wizards. One team set the NBA's all-time mark for most consecutive losses in a season (25). The other took three months to finally win on the road. 'Nuff said. Barack Obama. Really, Mr. President? Ronald Reagan's one of your heroes? Seriously? Ya know what would be really cool? Watching these guys do the slapping. I'd pay to see that.